Ganondorf's Lament
by Retronym
Summary: The King of Evil has a problem. A huge, big, disgusting, awful, looming problem. The chronic disease, the unstoppable virus of...mellowness. How despicable. (Silly one-shot. R&R if you don't mind too much. I will be your best friend.)
**Hello my dear little scallops. I have disappeared again. But I'm not disappeared anymore. I'm in a musical now at my school! If you've ever seen Anything Goes, I am playing one Lord Evelyn Oakleigh. I have a brilliant British accent when I want to.**

 **Ahem, getting off topic. So this is kinda how I can imagine Ganondorf nowadays. It's hard to stay active and evil for so long with all these "friendly battles", isn't it? Let us hear of his plight. Enjoy. Or don't. Up to you.**

The King of Evil had a predicament. Normally, he would address any issue he came across with aggressiveness and, well, evilness. It always seemed to work out for him. However, this particular problem refused to be solved by such means, and was perhaps even enhanced by them. It was troubling, troubling indeed. He needed to get to the bottom of it, and fast.

Ganondorf lived in a large establishment. A large establishment full of fools and morons. In fact, he sometimes mentally sorted the residents to be either fools or morons for his own entertainment. There may be the occasional neutral or a few held in the utmost loathing, but most could be classified as fools or morons, or even both if they were extremely talented. He generally sneered down upon their incompetence and that was that. Ganondorf had also often felt displeased at the presence of multiple Links; in his opinion, one Link was enough for the world. Zero was preferable. Alas, few took his opinion into consideration. Fools.

But we continue. The initial years of this whole nonsense, Ganondorf was a force to be reckoned with. No one in the whole place dared approach him; he was the pinnacle of frightful power. He took crap from no one, and generally avoided direct interaction with anyone, heightening his air of power. He wouldn't be caught dead doing any of the ridiculous pastimes that all those other people did in their free time, not even eating. When he had to occasionally submit to the action of eating, he did it when no one was around, usually late at night. He was able to make it quite clear he did not appreciate being holed up with a bunch of freaks. He could pound the living daylights out of anyone he so pleased, intimidating anyone weaker than he. Terrifying and mysterious, selfish and wrathful; yes, the King of Evil he was.

Remembering the height of his abominable reign of power, he could not help but feel a bit concerned about his current state. He was still the King of Evil; he was Ganondorf. And yet…as of late, he experiencing less and less of the fiery passion of evil that was his trademark. He did not feel the sharpness of active hatred as much anymore, and he'd only really pondered the idea of taking over the world once last Tuesday. He was very uneasy with the idea that he could be getting, dare he say it….mellow.

He simply loathed even thinking of that word; it gave him veritable shivers of disgust. But evidence of such an idea was popping up at times.

Take the instance in the hallway that morning, for example. Ganondorf had been walking down the hall, apparently alone, when a figure of very short stature suddenly walked out of a doorway adjacent to him holding a potted plant. The boy was startled by the gerudo towering over him and tripped over his own feet, sending the pot smashing right onto Ganondorf's foot. Dirt sprayed everywhere. Ganondorf glowered with displeasure at the soil intruding upon his being and the throb in his foot from having a flower pot smashed onto it. He then glowered with displeasure at the child who had so clumsily smashed the pot. The little runt made a strange noise like a mouse getting stepped on before turning and scurrying away down the hall, his red shirt shedding soil as he ran.

Ganondorf frowned. While he felt the satisfaction of seeing himself strike fear into the heart of a pint sized loser, he noted that he did not feel the urge to smash him to a pulp for his incompetence. The absence of his hateful feelings disgusted him a bit, but he was also somewhat uneasy. This conspicuous lack of anger had been happening too many times for his liking.

But, he convinced himself, perhaps he was simply in a very rare worn-out mood, and did not feel like mustering enough anger to pound any idiots. He ought to wait this mood out before showing himself again. He stomped the excess dirt off of his shoes grumpily. Yes, although grudging, perhaps he needed to admit that he required a small break from any concerns about his vileness, before coming back just as evil as ever.

Ganondorf wandered into the empty sitting room, flicking on the lightswitch. This accidentally turned on the fan, which blew a pile of newspapers on the table all over the place. A page of the paper slapped onto Ganondorf's face, which he couldn't help but take offense to. He muttered in annoyance and took the paper off his face, scrutinizing it.

"'Crossword'," he muttered aloud. What in Din's name was that? Just looked like a demented checker pattern to him.

He glanced around the room. He was entirely alone, the only movement being the whirring of the ceiling fan. He glared at the page in his hand, as though it was making him observe it in all its pointlessness, and sat down on the couch to figure the dumb thing out.

A few minutes passed, before Ganondorf had the distinct feeling that he was being watched. Upon looking up, he saw the kid from before perched upon a chair on the other side of the room, his huge eyes gazing at him with curiosity. While Ganondorf was caught off guard and slightly disturbed by the boy's silent entrance, he still had enough dignity to keep from showing his surprise. Instead he just scowled. Kids were like animals: if you're soft with them once, they become much too comfortable, presumptuous and unafraid.

"Get out of here," he ordered the boy gruffly. "Scram. Before I come over there and make you get out."

The boy just looked at him, clearly unconcerned, before hopping off the chair and strolling casually to the door, disappearing from sight.

"Stupid midget," muttered Ganondorf, irritated at himself for letting the kid off too easy in the hallway. Did he even know who he was messing with?

Ganondorf opened the newspaper back up and continued grumpily. Youth these days.

* * *

Night had fallen, and the only sounds that could he heard were the noises of wild Pokemon in the surrounding forest and Bowser's immense snoring. Ganondorf strode down the empty halls toward the kitchen. He liked it best at night, surrounded by darkness and relative silence rather than lunatics. Also, he had to eat again. As an entity of evil, he didn't like performing such silly and mundane things as eating, but he was living. Sometimes it had to happen.

When he neared the kitchen, he saw something that made him halt abruptly. It was that impish boy, _again_ , sitting outside the kitchen doorway for gods only knew what reason and eating a bowl of cereal.

Ganondorf was irate and, frankly, quite appalled. What was it with this little weirdo? Why did he just seem to be… _everywhere_? And why on Earth was he making a bowl of cereal at one in the morning? Ganondorf was irritated at someone interrupting his solitude and admittedly a bit perturbed, but he again couldn't muster enough anger to eject the strange little offender from his presence. Thus, he took up the standard method for solving any problem: ignore it, and it will go away.

He marched down the hall toward the kitchen, determinedly not looking at the child. However, when he got to the point of passing him, the child piped up. "What are you doing up so late, mister?"

He had an extremely soft little voice, and Ganondorf noted that he hadn't ever heard him speak at all before this. He frowned. Why would he bother to speak to him? Did he look like someone who could have some kind of idle conversation?

Of course, there was still a small nugget inside of Ganondorf that screamed, _Punt hiiiiiiiiiim!_ This ought to be the final straw. However, once again, he felt as though he could not, would not, act on it. Once again, a disgusting feeling of useless self-control settled over him, the sense of mellowness. Sure, he was surly and dangerous and still very much Ganondorf. But this inability to even grow angry at one bothersome pipsqueak eating cereal in his path was indicating that perhaps there was no going back. He was to be a limp once-villain, softened by the constant presence of morons and "friendly battles". It was terrible to think about, and frankly quite depressing.

Ganondorf just looked at the kid sitting on the floor with a now empty bowl, exhausted and deterred by his revelation. Not bothering to even try and muster annoyance, he stooped so low as to actually answer the boy with a simple, "No reason." He then decided to just return to his room, for there was little point in remaining here.

He turned and walked a few steps, only to be greeted by the boy standing motionlessly before him. Ganondorf halted and glanced at the doorway that had recently been occupied. It was empty. Irritating, and bizarre.

Looking back at the pipsqueak, he saw that the boy had reached into his pocket before extending his hand, which appeared to contain a piece of human candy. He was offering a hardened hunk of sugary syrup. To the King of Darkness.

"Didn't you want food?" asked the boy softly.

If it were possible to frown loudly, Ganondorf would have done so. What a presumptuous creature, assuming that he was one to whom some silly kindness could be given. But he was new after all, and the gerudo reminded himself pessimistically that he had not exactly been exuding an intimidating demeanor lately. He took the candy with a noncommittal grunt. He was supremely doubtful that he appreciated the action; Ganondorf rarely appreciated anything. However, he waited until he was out of sight of the child before throwing the thing in the garbage. Why he even bothered to wait, or even take the food at all, he wasn't sure. He didn't like the tiny child, and did not feel the need to spare his feelings. Maybe it was just a somewhat annoying, yet intriguing change that someone should do such a foolish and weak thing apparently for his sake.

So which was Ganondorf: a fool, or a moron? Hard to say. It was a real bummer that he had reached a point where he even considered classifying a being like himself as a fool or moron, a point only to be reached by accepting candy from weirdos. Definitely not what he was used to. He _loathed_ this change, and yet…somehow it didn't bother him all that much.

Oh yes, the King of Evil had a predicament.

 **So that's something. Sorry if I sound totally messed up in these A/N's, I simply post things later than I should be up. So there are a couple fairly simpleish multi-chapters I'm planning to post here. There's more stuff on them on my profile, but I dunno when I'll get to those. I've been rather busy, because I have accepted a challenge from someone to write at least one piece about everything I've read or watched in the last month, as when it comes to fanfics I am not incredibly diverse. So if you're into, like, Harry Potter, Throne of Glass, Star Wars, Masque of the Red Death, The Great Gatsby, or Kung Fu Panda, I may be posting nonsense about those...if I actually fulfill the challenge instead of getting distracted, which is something I am prone to. See? Here I go again.**

 **Thank you for making it this far down the page! Your face is beautiful! Goodbye!**


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